FIRE DEMONS! (not as exciting as it sounds)

Today I found out what was behind my old electric fire. I’ve lived here for about 5 years and never looked behind it, not once, but recently there’s been ominous rattles and bumps from behind the boarded up fireplace. At first I worried it was a live and now dead bird, but after tapping on the fireplace and waiting for a morse code beak tap for help, I was confident it wasn’t. But what else could it be?

Soot, ice, stone? Probably. But I have an over-active imagination combined with an irrational fear of insects and dark spaces. As a kid I had little attic cupboards in my room and the first thing I did was place the biggest, heaviest pieces of furniture in front of them.  Did I say kid? I meant teenager.

So it wasn’t the thing that scared me, more the soot and spiders surrounding it – or so I told myself. After encouragement and a swift mouthful of Tuborg I dragged the fire away from the wall to be greeted with, well, dust – and a couple of lost trinkets. I peeled the dirty duct tape off the edges of the board and readied myself for the horrors that lay behind this piece of wood, this portal to my nightmares.

Only it wouldn’t budge. I tried a claw hammer, 2 pairs of scissors, knitting needles and my ugly fingernails but no, not today. Besides a few small lost items I now have another place to clean and no excuse left to use. Hardly worth the bother really.


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