16: January, It’s Like An Urn Full of Janus


January is an ice-covered, debt-encrusted, Christmas hangover. The weather is no longer ‘festive’, it’s just cold and dangerous. The money you spent is no longer worth it and there’s nothing to look forward to until Spring. I found out today that yesterday was what some call Blue Monday. I’m not one to follow superstitions like that but yesterday was the worst day of the year and last year combined. The weight of every important and completely silly little thing weighed down on me tenfold.

Here are some facts as to why January is awful:

Urn is an anagram of Januray. And urns are not nice things. Just like January. It holds the ashes of Christmas, or something poetic an’ that.

“January is named after Janus (Ianuranius), the god of the doorway” Janus sounds like Anus, and they poop, and poop is how I feel in January.

“sometimes called Circumcision Style because this was the date of the Feast of the Circumcision, being the eighth day from December 25″ Just, what? FEAST of the CIRCUMCISION. This is bad on so many levels. Again, like January. Notice a pattern.

“In Czech January is called leden, meaning ICE MONTH. In Ukrainian it’s called січень, which means cutting or slicing, which some think is about the wind.” Ice. Cutting wind. Further evidence to why January is shit.

And my little village seems to be cursed. Everyone is ill, including me, on antibiotics and inhalers and steroids and God knows what else. A tree killed a man. He was cutting it down, but still. There was 6 car crashes on one 14 mile stretch of road today. A school friend is in a coma with swine flu. A little kid who lives around the corner is really ill with meningitis. Someone supposedly threw themselves off the bridge in the town this afternoon.

All this in 18 bloody days. That’s just crazy.

That’s why it is my plan to change the name of January to something cool and strong, like Kurt. Or, we take it back to the old school and use an old saxon term, Wulf-monath. It literally means wolf month. How cool is that? Just say it, wulf-monath.

So if you could all send payments of at least twenty pound to this paypal account so we can set this in motion. I’m just thinking of the future generations. The children.


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